Initial impulse: sore throat
Beg for (and receive!) a fresh, whole pineapple after remembering that pineapple is supposed to help with sore throats. Go back to sleep.
Specialized tools & equipment:
Find pineapple on counter 4 days later. Feel guilty. Consider pineapple. Locate pineapple auger. Note existence of new ratcheting model; regret that pineapple waits for no one. Set up workstation over sink (due to past lessons learned in pineapple juiciness). Whack top of pineapple off with large knife. Start pineapple auger. Note emerging pineapple mush, juice overflowing. Feel doubt, vague sense of past unresolved questions of efficiency. Wonder if big knife is really the better way to go. Secretly suspect these problems would not occur with new ratcheting model. Wonder if the auger is progressing or just mushing things around. Keep augering. Finally hit bottom (of pineapple). Try to tip juice out; dump top section of pineapple in sink. Deep breath. Remove auger, with core of pineapple. Realize no container was prepared for dripping, juicy pineapple on auger. Grab container while holding pineapple over sink. Note “SINK CRITICAL” for future experiments.
Halve pineapple shell and leave core intact for chickens. Place pineapple shell & core in chickens’ food scraps bowl.
Result: chickens unimpressed
5 minutes later: chickens still unimpressed. Further research needed.
Auxiliary experiments:
Consider growing pineapple top.
Pros: have never done this before; plants = good
Cons: lack of space near windows (because plants = good); lack of photographic evidence of happily growing pineapple plant in instructions
Decision: Regretfully compost pineapple top
Results of original experiment:
Pineapple delicious
Throat does feel a bit better